I heard a funny quote about parenting recently: "The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." Road maps, recipes, car owner's manuals, home appliance operator instructions, and IKEA furniture instruction booklets. We have access to direct and individualized guidance for just about everything. If we can't find these instructions in ink on paper, there is no need to worry. Most of us have access to endless information in our back pocket. Google is just a tap of our thumbs away.
There are endless "instruction manuals" for parenting. In fact, I will be referencing someone who has written a guide to parenting. However useful these tips are, there is no exact tactic to take. Unlike kitchen appliances, you can't rely on children to respond to your ministrations the same way every single time. There is no book that says if your child does this, do that to fix it unlike an owner's manual for a vehicle. Parenting is not as simple as dropping your child off at a mechanic when they misbehave. Parenting is hard because there is no simple way to do it. There is no one perfect way. With this aspect of parenting in mind, it is often said that parenting is for the parents. Parents learn so much and grow as human beings.
Michael Popkin, Ph. D and founder of Active Parenting Publishers, views the purpose of parenting as protecting and preparing children to survive and to thrive in the world they will live in. Parenting is important because mothers and fathers have the opportunity to not only teach their children to survive, but also succeed. I like his statement that parents need to prepare their kids for the world they will live in. The next generation will experience some similar things, but also some different occurrences than their parents experienced. Great parenting is manifest when parents prepare their children for a myriad of life events.
Popkin suggest a few ways to accomplish this goal or purpose. He discourages punishments and rewards because that is what superiors do to inferiors. Instead Popkin suggests encouragement to be used in the home rather than rewards. Popkin suggests letting children learn from the natural consequences of their decisions and actions. The only exceptions to this idea is if the situation is too dangerous, the consequences are too far in the future making it impossible for the child to fully understand the consequences, or if the consequences affect others.
Michael Popkin shares his view on parental interference in correcting or shaping the behavior of children. The first step is to make a polite request. This is a respectful approach and will teach children to respond accordingly and later approach others with respect. Anyone who has worked with children understands that this approach will not work every time. The next step is to use an I statement such as, "When you don't pick up your toys, I feel frustrated because things get lost in messy rooms. I would like it if you could pick up the toys you are not playing with and put them in their designated spot.Using the I statement better helps the child understand what is wrong about what they are doing and presents a way they can fix it. If this doesn't work, Popkin encourages using a firmer statement. Parents should not manipulate or get even, but rather work with the child to reiterate why what they did was wrong and what action they can do to solve the problem. If the child is still continuing on with this behavior, set logical consequences.Work with the child and your spouse to agree upon logical consequences and follow through.
There are eight steps in developing logical consequences. These steps include: discuss inn advance a course of action, include the child, establish chores if or when the child misbehaves, make sure the consequence is logically connected to natural consequences, come up with consequences you can live with, be firm and friendly, follow through, and give them another chance.
Popkin has some amazing ideas on parenting. He has a great instruction manual to help parents, but above all, the most beneficial tool a parent has is to spend time with their child. As parents work with their children, parents will better understand their children and their needs. After understanding their needs, parents can use all of these tools that work for them out of the countless parenting books. Never stop wanting to spend time with them. Spend quality time with them instead of finding things to distract them to keep them out of your hair. Never stop caring.
I would like to end with another quote. "Ever had a job where you had no previous experience, no training, you couldn't quit, and people's lives were at stake? That's parenting!" No one has the perfect instruction manual, but there is so much info to help you out. There are many resources you can use so use them and help your children be the best they can be!
Love,
Liz S.
