Hey Everyone!
Family systems...we all got 'em! What does your family look like? Are you more verbal an loud in your family? Or are you more reserved and carry more nonverbal cues? Do you fit in somewhere in between? How does your personality fit in your family? What characteristics shine through with each family member?
 My family is definitely somewhere in between. We had plenty of family rules which were learned through both verbal and nonverbal cues. Mom and Dad both had different cues, but we definitely understood what each one meant. Whether spoken or left unspoken, these are powerful in a family's functionality to understand what is classified as acceptable and unacceptable behavior. While observing my family and others, I noticed that each family does what works for them. It caught my attention that even though most family members understand their unique language, they chose to ignore it or pretend that they don't understand. At other times it was obvious that somethings were misunderstood. This might have been because of different family dynamics being combined to create a new family unit. I think it also occurs when circumstances in the family change such as marriages, leaving for school, adolescence into adulthood, or the death of family members. These absences in the roles the family was used to causes a time for adjustment and sometimes role reversal.
I noticed in my family we have distinct and different personalities. However we also have a lot of similarities. These difference sometimes cause tension and misunderstandings. Our similarities and our desire and willingness to bond, unite us and strengthen our relationships. Because of our differences in personalities and roles, we all react differently to our parents' signals hinting at family rules.
My mom sighs when she is disappointed. Her disappointment is almost worse than her anger. She sometimes sucks in her lip a little to let us know we were not making a good choice, but she also doesn't feel comfortable making decisions for us that she feels is up to us. The most memorable nonverbal cue my mom gives us for acceptable behavior happens on Saturday morning. My mom  turns on music, usually Celine Dion's "I'm Alive," and bakes bread. This is our cue to get out of bed, get our day started, and do our chores. If we don't help out around the house, we know we will not get the coveted homemade bread nor are we able to hang out the rest of the day. It is expected to finish our responsibilities before we can enjoy the rest of our Saturday activities.
My dad had a scowl that was unquestionably the you done messed up look. After receiving that look we tried to get the other look. This look was much more pleasant and for a second you felt like the favorite child. He had a half smile and gave a little wink. Now when he hit his forehead with his hand we knew he was irritated.
Verbal cues included both of my parents saying maybe. When they said this word we knew our chances were not good. Other times my mom says,"If you feel good about it." This was her way of saying your choice is a stupid one,but I am not gonna come out and say it because it is your decision. Whenever something was broken or ruined and no one fessed up, mom used to say,"Did Mr. Nobody do it again?" This was our cue to shut up and get out of the way and wait for her to cool down before talking to her about it. Dad used to tell us to ask our mother sometimes when we asked for certain things. We knew this was him telling us he was okay with it, but didn't want to make a decision without mom because she probably knew more about the situation than he did.
Different kids reacted differently based on the roles we played the troublemaker decided to push the limits as far as they could. Other siblings were more like peacemakers and tried to appease the parents. Other siblings tried humor in order to ease tension. No matter what we make it work. Each family has a different dynamic. You just need to find what works for you and your family.

Love,

Liz S.