Hey Everyone!
When arguments or disagreements happen, most people say something along the lines of, "Communication is key." Most people realize that communication is important, but do we know how to properly communicate or why it is so important?

There are different mediums in which we communicate. Three of these mediums are very powerful in communicating a message. These include, words, tone, and nonverbal cues. Fourteen percent of communication comes from words, thirty five percent of communication is made up of tone, and fifty one percent of our communication relies on nonverbal cues. I think this is valuable information to have. Words are not enough in a relationship. It is not enough to just talk it out with your significant other. Our society has lost trust in the words of others. Let's think about some popular sayings we use today. "A picture is worth a thousand words." "Put your money where your mouth is." "Show, don't tell." Words can reassure, but the real power comes when people show that they mean what they say. What kind of message are we sending when we aren't speaking?

Have you ever heard someone speak with a sarcastic tone? Have you ever been terrified by our mom's strained voice? So much can be said without saying anything or very little. The way we say things can convey a message. Our mouth may be saying something, but unless our tone is conveying the same message, communication can be unclear. Saying you are fine in a watery tone will be confusing. Couples and family members who are conscientious of their tone can have clearer and more effective communication with each other.

Nonverbal cues make up a little more than half of our communication.More than half! This form of media holds a lot of weight. What are you communicating when you scowl? What message are you sending to your loved one when you smile or pat their shoulder? This seems so simple so how do we get mixed signals? We all express our emotions in a different way. Like with most things in life, the more you practice, the better you get. Be patient with each other as you work together to better understand each other.

Transparency is the best way to work on communication. This doesn't mean you have to spill all of your dark secrets or air you dirty laundry on the first date. Nor does this mean that you point out negative qualities all the time. Family life will require you to have tolerance and patience. Transparency is all about meaning what you say. Don't have hidden agendas.

Not communicating can be detrimental to your relationships. Do not do the silent treatment. Sometimes we need to cool off or think about what they said before you continue with the conversation. This is totally fine and totally normal. However, there is a way to do this. The answer is communication. How much more helpful is it to tell your loved one that you need a second rather than freezing them out? Be careful not to corrupt your communication like through the silent treatment. Other corrupt forms include profanity, passive aggressive language, or sarcasm. Try to mean what you say and say what you mean. Show you mean it by your actions.

Above all, it is okay to check for clarification. In fact, it is actually encouraged to make sure the way you communicate is clear to your loved ones. There are a couple of ways to do this. One way is to ask them. In communication someone tries to express a thought or feeling. That message is then encoded using a medium. The person receiving the message then tries to decode the message to understand the thought or feeling. This is where it gets tricky. Sometimes the sender and the receiver have different ideas on the meaning of a message. Sometimes the intention of the sender and what the receive takes away are not the same. Checking for clarification is easy. Ask the person if you understand them correctly and share with them what you took away from the exchange. Another way to have clarification is to have a family council or meeting. Sitting down with each other and discussing things can clear up confusion.

There is power in clarification of communication. Clear communication strengthens families. What can you implement today to strengthen your family?

Love,

Liz S.

Hey Everyone!

Your Thanksgiving dinner is supposed to look like the photo in the magazine, but instead it resembles boxed and over-processed lumps. This wouldn't be such a big deal if your judgmental Aunt Phyllis weren't in attendance. A couple of family members are arguing in the back room and have no qualms about letting the neighbors overhear their displeasure. Your already tiny and aging apartment seems to be shrinking by the minute. Politely you try to end the party and send everyone on their way. You need to take the late shift because it pays time and a half for working holidays. Putting the kids to bed is a challenge after the excitement of the day. Kneading your shoulder, you search through the laundry basket for your uniform. The extra shifts have left you sore and completely exhausted, but you push through. You really need the extra cash. Christmas is in a few weeks and in order to give the kids a good Christmas, something has got to give. Taking a deep breath to calm yourself, you open the door for the babysitter. She is not your first choice, but she works for cheap and since the kids are sleeping there is not much damage that can be done. Kissing them one more time before you leave, you watch them sleep for a second before you head out. They are the reason you work so hard. Grandma has had some health issues. The medical bills are stacking up. Maybe the Christmas budget will have to be tighter than you originally planned. On the way to work, your car stalls at the red light. You pray it stays running until you reach work. Tears burn your eyes, but you blink them back. You have to stay strong until you get all of your responsibilities taken care of. Throughout this whole day you can't help but think that everything seemed so much better with your spouse when you were a happy family. The time before you lost your daughter and slowly your marriage was torn apart.

Many families struggle with one or more of these stressors listed in this scenario. Having these strains can be tiring. Just like architectural structures that need remodeling and renovations over the years, we too need periodic repairs. The age old adage: use it or lose it, can really apply to our bodies. Using our brains and our bodies is important in keeping them strong. One way our bodies stay strong is through stress. Just like gravity puts strain on our bodies and causes us to create muscle, stress puts strain on us as well. We can build up muscle with each stressor we encounter. If you are stressed out then a part of you is getting stronger. After a good workout it is wise for you to stretch to relax your muscles and cool down. During stressful situations, it is important to take some time to relax your muscles by learning coping methods. It is so important to repair.

Physical actions can go a long way in coping with stressful situations. Releasing stress by physical exertion and stretching can be a relief. Another process of self soothing is focusing on your breathing. A great strategy is to focus on your breathing twice a day for three minutes at a time. Taking time to focus on your breathing will center you and release tension. The definition of coping is to make finite, minute, and thoughtful adjustments to make things fit together. Often it is miscued that distracting yourself from stress is coping. Distracting yourself doesn't make you stronger or prepare you to handle the next challenges.

Overall you need to find out what works best for you and how to implement those changes. Reuben Hill studied families who stayed intact and families that didn't stay intact after the Great Depression. He developed a theory based on how families respond to stressors in life. This theory is called Hill's Family Stress Adaptation Theory or the ABCX Model. Check out his work and see how you can implement it into your family today!

Love,

Liz S.

Hey Everyone!

Human interaction can at times seem pretty complex. Body language can sometimes feel like a foreign tongue, impossible to translate. The different tones people use in their speech can convey a variety of meanings. Have you ever felt disconnected like you are not only from a different country, but an entirely different solar system? Communication and interaction can be a struggle with people we are the closest to, so how do we bridge the gap with people we want to be close to?

Men and women are different. There are countless studies on the differences between them. One of the most notable accounts on this topic is the book by John Gray, entitled "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." This book, along with other relationship advice articles, promote the understanding of the differences in communication and interaction between the opposite sexes. When this understanding is applied, couples are better able to fulfill the emotional needs of their partners. This allows for improvement within the relationship.

In order to have a fulfilling and satisfactory relationship, it is important to seek an education specializing in your spouse. This doesn't come all at once. That is actually a fun aspect of building an enduring marriage. There are two degrees of communication and connection that occur. Happy marriages exist when couples build an emotional and physical intimacy between themselves.

Throughout the dating process, couples decide whether or not they want to pursue a more exclusive relationship. Relationships end in one of two ways. Eventually couples will break up or they will commit to each other on a permanent basis, usually resulting in marriage. Debating whether or not you can see yourself spending time with them permanently is an ongoing question dating couples must consider. When the decision is made, they either part ways or move on to courtship. Courtship is an exclusive relationship in which two people contemplate furthering the relationship to another level. This is a time of light commitment. Each partner agrees to only engage in a relationship with each other. The commitment is not legally bound. Both partners contemplate creating a life together. Determining if the benefits outweigh the detriments is a part of the courtship process. If the time comes when both parties decide to further the relationship, a proposal is in the near future. Engagements are practice for marriage. At each level of commitment, couples need to further their emotional connection.

Emotional connections cannot be solidified if both partners don't rely upon each other. Confiding in one another and bonding over the things that make us who they are is vital for success. I am not talking about letting lose all your childhood drama on the first date. Frankly that is uncomfortable and quite honestly terrifying for both you and your significant other. This takes time to nurture. Find connections. Share heartbreaks and success. Discuss hopes for the future and disappointments of the past. Above all, just share!! These little things make up your personalized history book. Enjoy learning about one another. The more serious you get in your relationship, the more you should be confiding in each other. I am not saying that you should shut out all of your friends and family, but you should prioritize. Husbands and wives should keep certain things between themselves and learn to trust each other more than anyone else.

Physical intimacy is just as powerful as emotional intimacy. Just as healthy emotional relationships should be kept between husband and wife, healthy physical relationships between spouses should be kept behind closed doors. These experiences can be powerful when shared between two people who love each other. In healthy relationships, there is no room for meddling mothers who harp on their sons-in-law. There is no room for gossipy best friends. There is no room for jokes about one's spouse while using crass language to describe them. Before the marriage, most people rely on their family and friends for emotional support or physical comfort. Marriage calls for a redirection in these aspects.

I'm pretty sure that we all can think about couples we know and identify some rocky relationships. Often in these relationships, they failed because the couple did not rely on each other and looked outside of the marriage for fulfillment in these intimacies. Please don't misunderstand me. I am not insinuating that if you are having a good day you are not allowed to call your mom and share your good news just because you have a ring on our finger. I am not telling you to never hug your grandpa when you have a bad day. However, I am saying that you have a built in best friend, someone who has promised to be there for you forever. How amazing is it that you get to share special experiences with your mom and come home to someone with whom you can celebrate? What a great experience it is that you get to hug your grandpa then later lay down with your spouse who can hold you and console you for however long you need?

Establishing boundaries with your spouse of what you should and should not share with others you love is a great way to feel confident and secure in your relationship. Confusion is cleared up and unity is felt with your spouse. As was stated earlier, men and women often think and show affection differently. Talking together and establishing a system where each partner is comfortable will go a long way in bridging this gap.

Physical intimacy, whether that be holding hands, kissing, or intercourse, will bond and unite couples when done properly. Finding a pace that is comfortable for each partner is so important. These acts can be fun and meaningful at the same time. Don't do anything unnatural or demeaning or hummiliating for either partner. Be open and honest with one another. Counsel together and set boundaries. Share with one another what works and doesn't work. A great resources for understanding how a woman's body works is a book by Laura Brotherson. Brotherson is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and is also a certified Sex Counselor. Her book, "Knowing Her Intimately," has helped many couples in this area of their relationship.

Throughout the marriage, remember that infidelity is not always meant in a sexual manner. Emotional and physical intimacy are both important. Relying on someone emotionally can be just as detrimental as seeking physical fulfillment outside of the marriage. Be cautious about with whom and what you share outside of your marriage.

I've heard it said that spouses should continue to connect and learn about each other throughout the entirety of the marriage. Married should work towards achieving a high school diploma on their spouse then moving on to obtain a Bachelor's degree, a Master's degree and eventually work towards a Doctorate. Sometimes we might feel disconnected, but as couples work on it and practice increasing these intimacies, spouses can understand each other on a whole other level. A tilt of the head and a pursing of the lips or a higher pitch in their tone can constitute as a conversation. Couples will work more in harmony. Instead of living separate lives together, spouses have the potential to be extensions of one another.

Love,

Liz S.