Hey Everyone!
Weddings typically consist of the perfect weeding dress, an amazing venue, family and friends, flawless makeup, tuxedos, movie-star hairdos, envy inducing diamond rings, fragrant flowers, gourmet meals, and jaw-dropping cakes just to name a few. Is it any wonder that the supposedly best day of your life often turns into one of the most stressful days of your life? While taking the biggest step in a relationship, it is not uncommon to get caught up in the celebration of the marriage rather than appreciating the act of the union for what it is.
Weddings can be very stressful. Couples often miss out on opportunities to grow together in this new stage of their developing relationship. The first mistake couples often make is not working together to plan the wedding. This is your big day...together...as a couple...so act like it! Take advantage of this opportunity to start your marriage out as a partnership. As you work together to plan the wedding, you are in a environment conducive not only to party planning, but life planing as well. This gives you a chance to establish boundaries and responsibilities that transfer to everyday life. It is easier to launch a framework in household responsibilities after practicing.
This practices demonstrates the transition in the relationship. When a couple decides to get married, expectations of the relationship need to be defined. As was discussed in the last post, dating is a good indicator of what the marriage will be like. Discussing roles and responsibilities and expectations before the vows is an excellent idea to create balance and understanding in a relationship. Accepted patterns will continue unless it is decided to do things differently.
Marriage is all about bringing two individuals together living life side by side and working together as one. Marriage does not equate morphing into what one person in the relationship deems is marital bliss. In a partnership, both sides are required to sacrifice and compromise. I think it is interesting that promise is in compromise. Marriage is all about making promises and upholding those promises. Success is evident in marriage when two people promise to work together. Sometimes couples slip into a routine of living separate lives while living under the same roof. Instead of supporting each other in their similarities and differences, couples sometimes struggle to find this balance and drift apart. Instead of ours, vocabulary such as his and hers is used. This separatism in relationships can often be emotionally draining and destructive. When approaching marriage, couples should be aware of the challenges and benefits of putting the needs of your spouse before your own. Having this emotional entanglement with greatly increase satisfaction within the bonds of marriage.
Other than the combining of expectations, there are other marital adjustments that are needed to be made. Sharing is often one of the most challenging adjustments. Instead of living separate lives, husbands and wives are expected to share most of their earthly possessions. These possessions might include, but are not limited to sharing finances, decision making, and a living situation. While living together, couples are anticipated to share all the nitty gritty things like a bathroom, sleeping arrangements, household chores, and your body. Sharing some of these things can seem terrifying! The first step is to commit to working towards being comfortable enough around your partner in order to be willing to make these changes with them. Remember that these changes should be worked on together. This means working WITH your partner and not changing FOR them. Neither one of you will end up happy if this is the case. You will not truly be you if you focus on being what you perceive what they want. Each side of the partnership will need to exhort patience and tolerance with each other. No one is perfect-including your spouse.
It is okay to have concerns and even boundaries. However it is not okay to shut down and not try to cooperate or work things out. Converse with your spouse and don't be afraid or unwilling to experiment. Couples should experiment with this stuff in order to figure out what works best for them as a couple. Go over roles, rules, and expectations. Understand each other's culture and background. The way they do things may not make a whole lot of sense to you, but it obviously does to them so try to be understanding and considerate. Identify each other's needs and discuss them. Then get to work. Establish ways to keep each other happy and content.
 Above all marriage is not perfect because no two people are perfect. That doesn't mean that you can't have an amazing life with someone. Two people who are committed to making it work can indeed make it work as they are patient, understanding, and tolerant of each other's faults. Happiness is not only a possibility, but can be a reality. Find what works for you because that is what marriage is...WORK!!!! This hard work is what makes marriage so wonderful.

Love,

Liz S.

Hey Everyone!
This week the topic of discussion is preparing for marriage. I had a lot of fun learning this week because this topic is very applicable to my personal life. This week I have learned a lot about what I want during this phase of my life. Honestly I don't totally feel comfortable with is topic of conversation. I got back from serving as a full time missionary of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in January of this year.

After 18 months of focusing on my responsibilities of full time missionary service and not having any romantic entanglements for the entirety of that 18 months, it was really hard to feel confident and comfortable in the dating scene. During my mission, as I am sure is the case with most, I changed hopefully for the better. I matured and experienced new levels of adulthood. This transition also proved difficult with these changes. Returning home, I was greeted by friends and family looking out for my best interests. In the Mormons culture, marriage and family are a priority. My predecessors have experienced the joys marriage and family can bring into ones life. I was encouraged, by many people I respect and look to for an example, to actively seek out these life blessings. As much as I appreciated these words of advice and understood this counsel were coming from a sincere desire to see me happy, I was overwhelmed.

I am obstinate so as this advice took hold it became my prerogative to avoid the dating scene. I was a nuisance to my roommate while she tried to help me feel more comfortable as a college student rather than a missionary. I turned a cold shoulder to any chances of dating. After some time, I realized that I was missing out on more fun that I could be having. That's right. I said it. Dating can be fun!
Once I became more open to it, I thought about what dating consists of. What does dating mean to you? Our discussions in class have been informative on this issue. I think a lot of people have a miscued concept of dating. Today our society does a whole lot more of "hanging out" rather than dating. In high school, I justified hanging out with guys because it wasn't a "real date."
What do "real dates" consist of? Here are a few examples we came up with: pairs of people, prior planning, and the resources used for the date are provided for such as the cost of dinner, movie tickets, or event costs. All of these items require effort.

Now that the expectations of a what a date is has been established, what is the purpose of dating?  This is a pretty easy one to answer, but can vary depending upon the individuals involved. Some might decide to date to have fun. It is a sources of entertainment. Others date to determine qualities they desire in a future spouse while others might be ready for that next step and are dating to determine whether or not the relationship is progressing well enough to make that step. Many are guilty of dating for free stuff such as meals or tickets to events. Honesty though who can blame them? Free stuff is free stuff! It is also entirely possible to be dating for a combination of reasons. Some are in it for one thing, but are open to other options or progress in a relationship.

No matter your reasons for dating, it is important to be comfortable with yourself and your standards. While it is enjoyable to try new things and learn a little bit more about yourself, as is usually the case when spending time with new acquaintances, it important to be happy with who you are while dating. Too often people change themselves in hopes of capturing the attention and affections of someone they are interested in. What is the point? You won't be truly happy being anyone else. You are meant to be YOU!! Never question yourself or let others do damage to your individuality. Dating sometimes seems like a competition. At these times it is sometimes difficult not to beat yourself up and critique your physical qualities and personality traits. In the end, just remember that dating ends one of two ways either a permanent and committed relationship or a breakup. If your relationship results in the former, would you prefer to feel stable and secure in your relationship being yourself and knowing your significant other loves you for you or would you rather feel like a stranger with the one person who is supposed to know and love you the most? Down below is a short video to get you pumped up when ever you get down on yourself because we all have those rough days once in a while.

The best piece of dating advice I have ever received is to not settle. No one is perfect so it is ridiculous to search for perfection. With that being said, it is not okay to be unhappy in your relationship because you fear he or she is the best you are going to get or you think you can change them or you have been together this long so you might as well move forward or any other outlandish idea like these ones. Respect and love yourself. Know who you are and what you deserve while being forgiving of their flaws because you've got them too. Remember that dating is a pretty clear indicator of what a marriage would look like. If it is not flowing during the dating stage, there is no way marriage will fix what is broken.

I don't think anyone has completely perfected dating because everyone is different. Let's be real. Sometimes there will be awkward first dates and sometimes there will be embarrassing moments. Sometimes you may stumble over your words a little or feel uncomfortable when you walk past them on campus or at the grocery store after a failed date. But there will also be excitement and laughter. There are very few feeling that can compete with the flight of butterflies in your stomach. Feeling fly in your new date outfit will perk your chin up a notch when you walk past a mirror. I promise you can do this!! Enjoy the journey and enjoy this experience! Never stop dating, even when you have been married for 46 years. The excitement doesn't have to end so make it count...

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/individual-worth?lang=eng

Love,
Liz S.

Hey Everyone!

So it looks like something went wrong with my post last week. I am going to try to figure out what happened. Somehow it didn’t publish. This is an issue considering it is part of my grade. I will check it out and try to put it back up. I will have to discuss with my instructor what I am doing wrong in order to prevent this from happening again. My post last week will help in better understanding this week’s post considering I reference a couple of things from the last one including culture. I will try to get it back up as soon as I can.

What are some words you use to describe yourself? Do you start by listing your gender, male or female? Do you describe your looks or maybe your talents and skills? Do you label yourself according to what job you hold? How about your role in the family as mother, father, sister, brother? Do you account for your sexual orientation or maybe you list your family status such as the third generation of the Wellingtons of Brooklyn and owner of Wellington Industries? Do you feel as though others should understand your religious identity in order to better know you? Have you ever introduced yourself by your personality traits such as the legendary troublemaking friend of so and so or the sassy girl in the back who cracks jokes?

I have met people who have done all of these things. What defines us? This is a big struggle in the world today. Labels can be damaging. Sometimes they put people in boxes that are hard to break through. So how do we find that line of describing who we are without labeling? I think that the best way to do this is to know who you are and what values you hold without excluding or shaming others for their differences. They are a part of you. These characteristics are important and shape the way we live our lives, but it is valuable to note what we think of ourselves is the most important thing to remember. Don’t let others define you!

Two qualities or traits that are hot button items in today’s society are gender and sexual orientation. As outlined above, gender and sexual orientation are a part of you therefore they play an important role in who you are. However, it is not fair to label due to these attributes because each person is made up of a whole lot more than just these two. Each person is truly unique and special in their own way. Knowing that each individual is special in their own way, gender is a part of you and so therefore it is something that makes you who you are…which is SPECIAL!

In our culture today, there is a lot of debate over what is the definition of male and female. Some take a simplistic approach and define it anatomically. Others have different views and argue that gender is based on the personality traits or the mindset of individuals. Either way the first step is to understand your answer to this question of what makes men and women different. This knowledge will enable you to make informed decisions and opinions for your personal life. I myself am still working out my beliefs and how to be sensitive to others who differ from my opinions. Their thoughts on this topic are no less valuable than my own. All I know for sure is that each person is valuable and part of their identity is their gender. I also believe that it is okay to have typical tendencies of the opposite gender as well as typical tendencies of your own gender. Each role in the family is important and playing that role according to your personality (including those gender tendencies) will prosper as you find balance between the two genders.

Sexual orientation is a topic a lot of people shy away from in order to prevent being offensive. I often am included in this generalization. Most of the time I step back from discussing this topic as I am not as informed as I would like to be. Recently I am learning more about the consequences, both good and bad, that happen in families due to the actions of the members of those said families. I am still learning as I recognize that there is much, much, much more to discover. I have learned a couple of things based on research. Having both genders in the home creates the best environment for children.  I keep mentioning the roles necessary in families. I do this to keep reiterating the importance of this subject. Families are the most important social unit in the world. And if it is the most important then we should spend the most effort protecting it.

I was given access to this following website that gave me more clarity. It is filled with a ton of research on this topic. I think this website will better help you understand the reasons why and how gender and sexual orientation affect the family structure.

http://www.familystructurestudies.com/

Love,

Liz S.

Hey Everyone!
Family systems...we all got 'em! What does your family look like? Are you more verbal an loud in your family? Or are you more reserved and carry more nonverbal cues? Do you fit in somewhere in between? How does your personality fit in your family? What characteristics shine through with each family member?
 My family is definitely somewhere in between. We had plenty of family rules which were learned through both verbal and nonverbal cues. Mom and Dad both had different cues, but we definitely understood what each one meant. Whether spoken or left unspoken, these are powerful in a family's functionality to understand what is classified as acceptable and unacceptable behavior. While observing my family and others, I noticed that each family does what works for them. It caught my attention that even though most family members understand their unique language, they chose to ignore it or pretend that they don't understand. At other times it was obvious that somethings were misunderstood. This might have been because of different family dynamics being combined to create a new family unit. I think it also occurs when circumstances in the family change such as marriages, leaving for school, adolescence into adulthood, or the death of family members. These absences in the roles the family was used to causes a time for adjustment and sometimes role reversal.
I noticed in my family we have distinct and different personalities. However we also have a lot of similarities. These difference sometimes cause tension and misunderstandings. Our similarities and our desire and willingness to bond, unite us and strengthen our relationships. Because of our differences in personalities and roles, we all react differently to our parents' signals hinting at family rules.
My mom sighs when she is disappointed. Her disappointment is almost worse than her anger. She sometimes sucks in her lip a little to let us know we were not making a good choice, but she also doesn't feel comfortable making decisions for us that she feels is up to us. The most memorable nonverbal cue my mom gives us for acceptable behavior happens on Saturday morning. My mom  turns on music, usually Celine Dion's "I'm Alive," and bakes bread. This is our cue to get out of bed, get our day started, and do our chores. If we don't help out around the house, we know we will not get the coveted homemade bread nor are we able to hang out the rest of the day. It is expected to finish our responsibilities before we can enjoy the rest of our Saturday activities.
My dad had a scowl that was unquestionably the you done messed up look. After receiving that look we tried to get the other look. This look was much more pleasant and for a second you felt like the favorite child. He had a half smile and gave a little wink. Now when he hit his forehead with his hand we knew he was irritated.
Verbal cues included both of my parents saying maybe. When they said this word we knew our chances were not good. Other times my mom says,"If you feel good about it." This was her way of saying your choice is a stupid one,but I am not gonna come out and say it because it is your decision. Whenever something was broken or ruined and no one fessed up, mom used to say,"Did Mr. Nobody do it again?" This was our cue to shut up and get out of the way and wait for her to cool down before talking to her about it. Dad used to tell us to ask our mother sometimes when we asked for certain things. We knew this was him telling us he was okay with it, but didn't want to make a decision without mom because she probably knew more about the situation than he did.
Different kids reacted differently based on the roles we played the troublemaker decided to push the limits as far as they could. Other siblings were more like peacemakers and tried to appease the parents. Other siblings tried humor in order to ease tension. No matter what we make it work. Each family has a different dynamic. You just need to find what works for you and your family.

Love,

Liz S.

Hey Everyone!
This week I have to give a shout out to my family! In class this week we have been discussing the importance of a stable family. Each member of the family plays a distinct role. Each tradition role is vital to a happy and healthy home life. Thinking back on my childhood, I recognize what role each member in my family played. Understanding this dynamic has made me think of different ways to better connect my family. My ideas are still in the beginning phases so don't ask me about them yet :)

Along with fulfilling healthy roles, something else that has stuck with me this week is the importance of research. Vital information can be skewed or misrepresented. Half truths and miscommunication or misrepresented info is advertised as the undeniable truth. We need to take charge of our data intake! Looking into the reliability of the research is a crucial step in understanding information brought to us. Taking the research findings at face value can be detrimental. We give up our own voice by not taking initiative. Current explorations of the family are worth too much to just believe. Digging into these studies will provide the opportunity to draw our families closer together. Insights will enable family members to have more tools to use at their disposals. Families are worth the extra time it takes to fact check.

Above all, the most significant research I found this week includes the fact that children raised in traditional families have more stability. We are all human and we all make mistakes. There is no such thing as a perfect parent and I am absolutely positive there is no such thing as a perfect child. Regardless of these imperfections, human relationships are one of the most amazing phenomenons I can think of! Truly it is miraculous. These relationships, especially the ones we share with our family members, have the potential to be the most miraculous of all. This gives us the responsibility to give it our all. Practicing traditional family values and roles along with checking research we find, will give us the power to create a lasting and profound bond. Don't the people we love the most deserve our all?

Love,
Liz S.

Hey, Everyone!
I am stoked to start this blog as an online journal. This journal will allow me the opportunity to express my beliefs on the family. As this new semester begins, I have the great opportunity to learn some great ideas to apply and improve my lifestyle. I hope as I share some insights and experiences from my Family Relations class, you will be able to find different ways to create a stronger and more united environment in our homes as well!

Love,
Liz S.